A few weeks ago, we posted a parody of one of Gilbert & Sullivan’s most famous numbers—"A Modern Major General," which we called "A Modern Central Banker." This week, we offer a Wall Street refurbishment of another tune by England’s greatest musical satirists. The original, from H.M.S. Pinafore, was titled "When I was a Lad." Our market version (which by the way is not a whit more biting than the original) is titled "When I was A Grad." It’s presented here as a kind of primer for young people about to enter the job market,—grads who may be considering a career in financial services.
When I Was A Grad
Grad
When I was a grad I took a whack
As gofer with a Wall Street trading pack.
I got the coffee and I smiled a lot
And I sucked up to the bosses ev’ry chance I got.
Chorus
He sucked up to the bosses ev’ry chance he got.
Grad
I sucked up to the bosses with such brio,
That now I am the company’s CEO.
Chorus
He sucked up to the bosses with such brio,
That now he is the company’s CEO.
(Bum-butta-bumbum, bum-butta-bumbum)
Grad
My first promotion was a trading desk
Where competition was the game they stressed.
I slicked my work mates and I stiffed a few
And pretty soon I had myself a window view.
Chorus
And pretty soon he had himself a window view.
Grad
With stiffing I was so adept,
It got me both a window and a growing rep.
Chorus
With stiffing he was so adept,
It got him both a window and a growing rep.
(Bum-butta-bumbum, bum-butta-bumbum)
Grad
My name now high on move up lists
I soon was seated among analysts.
The work was easy, all I did was dote,
On issues that my company underwrote.
Chorus
On issues that his company underwrote.
Grad
I pumped them up so flagrantly,
I barely missed suspension by the SEC.
Chorus
He pumped them up so flagrantly,
He barely missed suspension by the SEC.
(Bum-butta-bumbum, bum-butta-bumbum)
Grad
My mentor taught me all he knew,
He thought it was the right and proper thing to do.
It truly made me feel heart sore,
To give the push that sent him through the swinging door.
Chorus
To give the push that sent him through the swinging door.
Grad
Alas to make vice-president,
You have to oust the current well-placed occupant.
Chorus
Alas to make vice-president,
You have to oust the current well-placed occupant.
(Bum-butta-bumbum, bum-butta-bumbum)
Grad
Now I’m the boss and others cringe
When with-a-look or with-a-word their work I singe.
And my grand plan to keep this spot
Is to crush those suck up graduates who smile a lot.
Chorus
He will crush those suck up graduates who smile a lot.
Grad
I have no friends, I took my whacks,
And I made it to the top on other’s bleeding backs.
Chorus
He has no friends, he took his whacks,
And he made it to the top on other’s bleeding backs.
(Bum-butta-bumbum, bum-butta-bumbum,
Bum-butta-bumbumbum.)
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