There are few heroes left in contemporary world markets. Cabinet and banking officials who seemed prescient just a few years ago now look like just lucky surfers on a cyclical wave. And the infallible gurus and genius CEOs of the late 1990’s—their own delusionary vision bubbles popped—have almost all retreated into comfortable corporate sinecures or lives of charitable giving.
In the slow, grinding economic retreat that today is causing so much pain for so many people around the world, however, one group of heroes has emerged to slow, if not quite to halt, the slide: The American Consumer. Already burdened with crushing debt and faced with spreading job losses, The American Consumer has nonetheless continued to patronize malls and specialty shops, and in the process has acted as a bulwark against the economic rout that would have certainly occurred without such a fearless intervention.
To honor these plastic warriors, I offer this parody of Alfred Lord Tennyson’s immortal poem, "The Charge of The Light Brigade," which I call "The Plight of The Charge Brigade." The original commemorates the rush to doom of 600 brave men led by ninnies in an imbecilic geopolitical adventure. My version commemorates the many acquisitive individuals whose long-term debt sacrifices are keeping a very big boat afloat. "The Plight of The Charge Brigade," by the way, is part of my Songs of Wall Street collection.
The Plight Of The
Charge Brigade
I
Charge it up, charge it up,
Charge up that purchase,
Deep in the valley of Debt
Plunge the card holders.
Stuff they don’t really need!
Charge for the fun! their creed.
Into the valley of Debt
Plunge the card holders.
II
Stuff they don’t really need!
Why should they be afraid?
Their stocks are doing well
They figure what the hell.
No stops to reason why
Just buy until you die,
Into the valley of Debt
Plunge the card holders.
III
Soft goods in front of them,
Hard goods in back of them,
Goods on all sides of them
Goods without number;
Rush through the big mall store,
Scope out its sales floor,
Into the jaws of Debt,
Into the Land of More
Plunge the card holders.
IV
Why should this frenzy stop?
O what great stuff they got!
All the world marvels.
Honor the charge brigade!
Forget the int’rest paid,
Happy card holders!
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